FAYETTEVILLE — We smashed our crystal ball after last year’s horrendous forecast.
After a three-year run of nailing Arkansas’ bowl sites — including the exact matchup with Ohio State in the 2011 Sugar Bowl — we went splat, kind of like the Razorbacks’ season.
We predicted 10-3 and a victory over Texas in the Cotton Bowl. The Razorbacks, decimated by injuries and a breakdown of purpose, collapsed to 4-8. The most accurate remark of the forecast was in recognizing the picks were a total crapshoot given the head coaching change.
So we’re back at it again, ready to pick up the pieces from that crystal ball and see if we can pick up some signs.
The Razorbacks seemed to transition much smoother into Bret Bielema’s program than they did when Bobby Petrino brought his big boot to town. It’s easy to see the Hogs playing hard for each other and this staff rather than out of fear of messing up.
Before we dive in, a quick word to Bielema and the new coaches: This space is reserved for tongue-in-cheek projections, although we try to be accurate on the final record and postseason predictions.
Aug. 31
Arkansas 31, Louisiana-Lafayette 29
FAYETTEVILLE — Zach Hocker’s 43-yard field goal at the final horn helps Arkansas escape an upset bid from the up-tempo Cajuns, who represent a precursor of several hurry-up offenses to come on the Hogs’ schedule.
The week turns weird on Wednesday when Bielema and his staff open a gift box with a return address of “Sout Looziana” that contains peppers stuffed with gator, nutria, cayenne and “cajun sauce” and unwisely devour it. The Hogs’ battalion of quality control and graduate assistants oversee Thursday’s practice.
Lafayette quarterback Terrence Broadway passes for two scores and runs for another as Arkansas struggles to contain him, but the Cajuns also wear down against the Hogs’ pounding run game, giving up 231 yards on the ground. Jonathan Williams runs for 107 yards and a score and Alex Collins breaks away for a 35-yard fourth-quarter touchdown. Kiero Small also bulls in for a 1-yard touchdown, and Julian Horton catches a 14-yard touchdown pass from Brandon Allen.
Chris Smith has a sack-and-strip in the first half, and Eric Bennett ends a Cajun drive in the red zone with a third-quarter interception.
Sept. 7
Arkansas 36, Samford 10
Nate Holmes returns the opening kickoff 97 yards for a touchdown and the Razorbacks never look back at War Memorial Stadum in Little Rock.
Brandon Allen throws touchdown passes to Javontee Herndon and Hunter Henry, and Jonathan Williams and Alex Collins each exceed 100 yards rushing. Byran Jones, Jarrett Lake and Tevin Mitchel all record takeaways, and Trey Flowers ravages his home-state school with three sacks as the Bulldogs muster just 185 total yards.
Samford Coach Pat Sullivan, a southern gent and former Heisman Trophy winner at Auburn, is stunned when asked by Bret Bielema to bring a message back to Alabama, but he agrees. The message, addressed to Gus Malzahn, reads: “Eight weeks. Razorback Stadium. Be there. And bring your fancy no-huddle gimmickry. I WILL CALL NO TIMEOUTS.”
Sept. 14
Arkansas 30, Southern Miss 17
FAYETTEVILLE — The Razorbacks score 30-plus points in three consecutive games for the first time since posting 44, 49, 44 against South Carolina, Tennessee and Mississippi State in 2011.
The Golden Eagles, shocked by Texas State in their opener, drop their 15th game in a row. The game is pretty nondescript, other than Zach Hocker hitting a 73-yard punt in the first quarter and averaging 63.3 yards on three punts.
Sept. 21
Arkansas 24, Rutgers 20
PISCATAWAY, N.J. — Arkansas safety Rohan Gaines intercepts Gary Nova’s pass in the end zone on the game’s final play, touching off a huge celebration for the Razorbacks, who are destined for No. 25 in The Associated Press poll the following day.
Many Razorbacks, who have never been to New Jersey, send Instagram pictures of their escort from the Newark airport: A fleet of sanitation trucks driven by men in Armani suits. During the Friday night meal, many Hogs are freaked out when a cigar smoking ghost appears, but offensive coordinator Jim Chaney shouts “Tony!” and waves the portly ghost over to share soothing plates of ziti with him and Bret Bielema.
The decisive play is a touchdown catch by D’Arthur Cowan that hits one defender’s helmet, bounces off another’s fingers and falls into Cowan’s hands for a 10-yard touchdown with 5:44 remaining. In a dorm room in Cincinnati, Mekale McKay shakes his head.
The Razorbacks, 4-0 for the first time since 2003, receive a postgame text from an anonymous sender in Colorado that consists of one word: “Smile!”
Sept. 28
Texas A&M 35, Arkansas 28
FAYETTEVILLE — The Razorbacks cut their deficit from the 2012 game by 41 points, but it isn’t enough as the Aggies take the Hogs’ SEC opener.
The game is delayed during A&M’s opening drive when 999 Johnny Manziel glossies, several one-way bus tickets out of College Station, Texas, and a couple of Sharpies are hurled onto the playing surface.
Johnny Football tweets out a picture of his 15-yard second-quarter touchdown run at halftime and seemingly has the last laugh with his team up 28-7. But Manziel makes the mistake of raising the ball up prematurely while thinking he’s in the midst of duplicating his famous S-pattern touchdown run of 2012 on the Hogs, and safety TQ Coleman emerges from behind blocker Jake Matthews and creams Manziel, forcing a fumble that Austin Jones returns for an Arkansas touchdown.
Oct. 5
Arkansas 23, Florida 20
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — ESPN cameras catch Will Muschamp, his carotid artery pulsing, red-faced, livid and speechless, after a series of officials’ decisions go against the No. 6 Gators.
The play clock appears to expire but a whistle is not blown as Zach Hocker connects on a 51-yard field goal, the chains are moved erroneously after a 9-yard Brandon Allen scramble during Arkansas’ winning drive, a personal foul is called on the Gators’ Loucheiz Purifoy when a Razorback is clearly the aggressor, a phantom pass interference call leads to a Hogs touchdown, and an obvious offensive pass interference by the Hogs’ Drew Morgan goes unflagged, leading to Hocker’s game-winning field goal. Austin Tate catches a 10-yard touchdown in his first game back from shoulder surgery.
Oct. 12
South Carolina 17, Arkansas 14
FAYETTEVILLE — Arkansas puts a scare into the No. 8 Gamecocks when Robert Thomas returns a fumble 52 yards for a touchdown to give the Razorbacks a 14-10 lead in the fourth quarter, but Connor Shaw leads the Gamecocks back down the field for the winning score, a 1-yard Jadeveon Clowney dive from the fullback spot.
South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier, impressed by Bret Bielema, agrees to tape a “No No-Huddle” rap with Bielema, in which both coaches agree to appear shirtless, after the season.
Oct. 19
Alabama 38, Arkansas 13
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — The No. 1 Crimson Tide, with an interesting visitor on the field at Bryant-Denny Stadium, ring up their seventh consecutive victory in the series.
Alabama Coach Nick Saban has his statue relocated from the Walk of Champions to a motorized cart during the week, and when Bret Bielema approaches for a pregame handshake Saban seizes a remote control, wheels the 9-foot hunk of bronze to midfield and says, “Talk to the statue.”
Bielema, who famously — and factually — touted his Big Ten record as being better than Saban’s while on the rubber chicken circuit, rolls out some Iowa country boy belly laughs at the prank and the two vigorously shake hands and take a few minutes to plot the demise of the hurry-up. The statue watches the game from the corner of the end zone.
Bielema reaffirms his devotion to SEC football in the postgame, saying “In the world of college football, seeing 100,00 screaming fans and having wild elephant havoc blaring at you from the speakers, this is why — hey, we’ve got to get better.”
Saban says: “Relative to Brent Bullema having a better record than I do in the Big Ten, he can take this video and see that I achieved positive self-gratification from watching this team take another step in the process.
Nov. 2
Arkansas 28, Auburn 23
FAYETTEVILLE — Bret Bielema and Fort Smith native Gus Malzahn shake hands and talk for 7.5 seconds during the pregame, cementing their frosty relationship.
Auburn takes the opening kick, runs 14 plays in 2:10 and scores on emergency quarterback Kiehl Frazier’s 4-yard run and dive into the south end zone. The Razorbacks drive 75 yards in 13 plays, gorging on 8:25 of game time, and score on Brandon Allen’s play-action flip to Jeremy Sprinkle.
Bielema and Malzahn stare each other down, menacingly.
Two Arkansas defenders come up with minor injuries that stop the clock on an Auburn drive with the Tigers trailing 21-20. Incensed, Malzahn shouts at the officials. Across the way, Bielema signs, “I will not call timeout.” Auburn settles for a field goal.
The Razorbacks score the winning touchdown when Mitchell Loewen catches a short comeback route and tosses to a streaking Melvinson Hartfield for a 60-yard hook-and-lateral.
Nov. 9
Ole Miss 20, Arkansas 17
OXFORD, Miss. — Bret Bielema becomes a huge hit in Oxford when he and Alex Collins dress incognito and tour the Grove a couple of hours before kickoff, sampling barbecue and wings with ranch dressing.
Rebels fans finally catch on to the two, solving Bielema’s scatter-shot midwestern lingo and Collins’ artful dreadlocks and beard, and share a big laugh with the visiting celebrities.
Prior to the game, Rebels Coach Hugh Freeze is overheard chatting with Gus Malzahn about Arkansas State’s game against Louisiana-Monroe that night, and plotting a double-speed hurry-up attack.
Nov. 23
Arkansas 31, Miss. State 24
Every Arkansas defensive line starter sacks Tyler Russell once and the Razorbacks get a late Keon Hatcher touchdown catch on a halfback pass from Alex Collins as the Hogs notch their 13th victory in the past 15 games in the series.
Jared Collins picks off a pass in the end zone to thwart one Mississippi State drive. Braylon Mitchell pokes the ball away from LaDarius Perkins, and JaMichael Winston recovers to set up a Patrick Arinze touchdown blast.
Nov. 29
LSU 26, Arkansas 20
BATON ROUGE — LSU Coach Les Miles provides incentive early in the week.
“I certainly respect Brad Balleema and the Ar-Kansas Razorwire,” Miles declares at his weekly news conference. “But as a proud Michigan man, I’ve got the want and my mighty strong men have the mental mentality to deliver victory this week over this Iowa man. Or is he a Wisconsin man, man?”
Bielema Tweets a response: “Huh? The world of college football doesn’t get that.”
Dec. 31
Liberty Bowl
Arkansas 29, Louisiana Tech 24
MEMPHIS — Arkansas’ return to the postseason sends the Razorbacks bowling at the same destination the first eligible Bobby Petrino-coached Hogs team went bowling. It also pits the Razorbacks against a Skip Holtz team in Memphis for the second time in five years.
Sam Pittman wins an Elvis impersonation contest during game-week festivities, and Brey Cook, DeMarcus Hodge, Denver Kirkland, Dan Skipper and Reeve Koehler blow away the Bulldogs in a rib-eating contest with Ben Herbert shaking his head at his table.
The Bulldogs have place-kicking trouble just as East Carolina did in 2009, missing two field goals that could change the outcome. D’Arthur Cowan celebrates the return to his home grounds by catching a 37-yard touchdown pass and notching his first 100-yard game.
The Razorbacks wrap up an 8-5 season and declare themselves ready to contend in the SEC West in 2014.